Do I need the glass?

At times its pondering time to hunt for a meaning that you know is non existent but want it, one still wants to think a hundred times to see if there is a ray of hope. The mind always refuses to accept failures. Isn’t during this time we commit more mistakes and ultimately end with no answer to a problem ahead. So what is wise – to wait, calm down and hunt for a solution with the maze ahead of u or shut the door and say a good bye or sit in the dark and feel lost. Its one’s own decision – all that others can do is let the person not fall down further, give in the assurance to come back with full life. Show a real picture that horizon is the limit and still there is more. What does the victim who is hunting for the answer look for? Positive environment, non empathetic but courageous people and probably atleast one shoulder to rest or a hand that holds tight and wipes the tear and provides that positive assurance in some form or the other which conveys I am there for you.

It’s rare that you get such a thing in life and it’s even harder when its no more in your reach and you just see some cold shoulders and rational things around. Then sits another problem around you how can people be so rational and unsupportive for you believed that was the only ray of hope, not just the maze in front of you. But to keep pondering with the weight in hand or to leave the glass of pain on the floor or to drop the glass down is one’s own choice. Don’t look for another hand to transfer or don’t assume another hand would pick from you.

You name it and they have "IT"

20TH Oct 2009
At times when ur laid back or feel the entire world is dark around you… there is always some energy that wakes u up.. I would not just blindly say they all are inspirational souls.. that embeds just positive energy in the vicinity -it can also be negative energy in abundance that rekindles your thought process to say “Never be in that state” :))
As I was walking this morning to office with the thought wow! Its 2 months that I missed the bus (thanks to the only man who is sitting in my thoughts now, who is highly systematic and is daily waking my dreams to say “wake up Kirthiga” – my to be FIL- He can be on par with Greenwich timing – no wonder my dad and he are friends for 50+ yrs) But at times its nice to curl in the warm blanket and I decide not to run for the day, n ended up missing my cab- effect of the fat that I have put for the last 2 months, thanks to V@igh@i (the new canteen of ours).

With great efforts I reach to a KSRTC luxury bus (just to avoid the music in TNSTC – awful) and take my comfortable seating ( I wish our cabs had this leg room – why am I cribbing so much for the day…wrong side of bed J). For long I wanted to write some blogs, never came with something that hit me as a personal experience for long.. even if, some, they where too personal to write.. I just sat and took my cash and turned looking for the conductor…Wow! That was a female – its not new in the modern Bangalore we see a lot of them and more to say, TN metro corp has drivers too. I could not believe my ears when she said “Thiruvannamalai, Thiruvannamalai” its like XX Xkm from Bangalore and she was doing it daily.. Suddenly I had a great respect for her.. Pondering over the thought what cld have led her to this – family forced financial crisis, job transferred from one of the family member, Eagerness for Govt job, spirit to grow up in life and lead a comfortable one in a small town, what ever it cld be – the only thing I saw was she was not cribbing her job.. she enjoyed calling out loud, issuing tickets on time,. Taking the entry and most importantly enjoying the cool breeze sitting across the first single seat… now that’s what life needs to be.. not to crib as u get up in the morning to say “OMG, I need to put a 65kmn one way, I haven’t done any for my husband and Kids, I haven’t helped my inlaws, I did turn the geyser off, Have I put the vegetable back to fridge, did I boil the extra milk, Would dad be fine or he wld need help”.. I mean- what is the point in doing a work, if u not able to enjoy the very first few hours that u start with. Isn’t a negative mood unconsciously set in your mind? That is what I do not want to end with…
I guess you do a job, only if you enjoy doing it, if ur cribbing and grumbling, speak within to see what is that disturbs you – the controllable vs uncontrollable per 6s language. fig out what irritates u… is that the same situation wld not come out in the new place? So what’s gonna disturb me – is it distance and hectic travel or is it fact I cannot spare time – it’s the time that I wld get to spend. So have to make up in weekends, then how wld u balance the situation btw 2 dear families with just 2 days in hand and a big circle of friends and relatives and gatherings and time for self pampering and grooming.

I am not talking of a solution to my problem – I am just saying that every solution exists within our vicinity we only fail when we sit back saying things need to fall in place on its own or per “defined horse view” that we create for ourselves. We cannot sit back saying I have done my best. There is always a better one. So what made me wake up each time I fell, probably due to some simple inspirational people from my day-to-day walk of life? They are no big personalities in front of the nation. But I have high regards for they always rekindled my spirits when I most needed J In no sequence of order I just drop down all the references that made a lasting impression – it may be few words, their smile, their long conversation, simplicity, their silence, their dignity, approach – what ever u want, name it and they have it!!!!!!!

Thurivannamali, thiruvannamalai - just that throw in voice in a early 6 am bus with a smile in face with no worries of what is left behind her in the house – the Conductor of KSRTC – treat Personal and professional as two different lives.

“Yen, peru OSAMA a na andha osama illa”, My name is osama but I am not the Osama that people know off.. The young, 8 yr old boy, who was the tour guide selling agarbhati and a grt entrepreneur. This guy was very clear- I earn to make it big, one day I wld grow to the level of this Big temple (Tanjavore), I wld not live just this life.. He makes money from people who had more, took nothing from whom he thought had none, walked bare foot but took care of the rest of the crowd slipper with no haste to own it some day but believed he wld earn his way – Dignity personified.

“Yedavudu Sapidarayian”, my grandmom even at 93 is so bent on feeding others taking care no one goes hungry even in dream. She just needs a small finger tip, puts all her energy to wake up and walk.. What a soul. Inspired to have a motto inlife that is driven to the route level so that even of u loose ur senses, it does remain strong and never lost – live life to fullest

“Zara maza aykna, Asa Kahi Nahi, nothing like that will happen”, - “listen to me na! Nothing like that-am sure nothing like that will happen”. Always with a smile on face, as though nothing has ever happened in life, never can a drop of tears can come out of this person, with ocean of lost dreams/fears within in and with an expression of total calmness and an elegant smile outside- if there can be one, it can be non other than Petu – my dearest friend who stood by all walks of life with just one approach, smile that makes u forget every around, not even a little expression of disappointment can be noticed on this person. Walk ahead with no grudges cause the belief is – after all to err is human, to excuse is god, I refer Petu as a divine soul.

Inspirational souls are not just this much, there are definitely many more. But I would like to stop here, cause how much ever u write, the only thing that would differ is the circumstances but I don’t thing I have missed the basic principle that affects me.. The Purpose is already met :)))

Hold my hands and give me a hug- The cry of the lonely child.. Sequel 2

In continuation to The Lonely Child – for we are men with mush, ready to race.
Cont…..I no more want to be the only lonely child who could not make it to the BIG street fight down the street, just because my opponents weren’t there for me to play.
Hold my hands and give me hug – The cry of the lonely child.. Sequel 2

Ho! I won the race with my new friend on my way, for I moved to trace the one who could help me with the Big street fight down the lane..

Wld u join me to the race he said, jumped I for I wanted to see what made the Big guys fight.. I traced back my steps to fence for I feared I wld not make it to the end. Wld we really win the race, we asked as we looked into the eyes.. but as we walked with all the fears in mind and turned to the loud chear around the lane,..all that we saw was, we were already in the race..

With shields on , like the men of war, we partnered together for all we knew now was “ we are men with mush, ready to race”.
With all pomp and glory I walked down the lane For having accomplished the all-new game.People screamed and cheered in joy, with anger and pain too I saw the others say- this is the team to win the race….

All said and done the game was over,. I walked home to show and rejoice my triumph in the all-new game. The soil, so fresh and the trees,so green. Colors seem to fill all over again. A dream come true – I said as I closed my eyes..

This shall be the last game played I heard him say, hope u enjoyed the play,.not for my joy but for cld not see u weep did he say….The big Friend walked and I gazed at him all day.

I turned to see my partner in crime, filled with no joy on his face. He never felt the smell of the soil nor the colors of the tree.. all he saw was cloudy day. What made him sad I really wondered,. For the race was won and the trophy was in hand. For, he was my best friend in the race. Was he worried of the bigger game ahead, for we were now to face the larger side of the lane... was he looking for a better score and a better game..Was I not the one for him to race. We walked in silence all through the lane.. for I saw no rejoice in his face..
I wanna jump and scream to the world, for we won the race, I wanna hold the hand and say lets walk to the bigger fight on the lane the other side of the race
I wanna hug and say – u made my day..but he never said a word till today..
“ho Big friend, isn’t there a child in u”, I wanna say..Would I hurt him more if I pull for another race
As I walked thru the fence where he picked me for the Big Fight today, I stood in silence for I felt my legs froze again. Ho! New friend don’t be so cold on me, give me hug and hold my hand for there are many more races to be won on the lane. U might be a one with a bigger mush and feel it a silly game… but accept there is a child in every man ready to race for we are not too old for few more race. Dont doubt yourself, for you was best in the race.

Urban Bangalore, Ignorance is Bliss! OR knowledge is Power?

When I sit back and think how is that some are always cribbing in life or other way to say, why is that all don’t carry a positive attitude all time? I get varied replies flowing through my mind… but as I try and eliminate one by one, the topper of the list is probably in my view point “too much” is the word that appears in common for all of them.

Too much information/ knowledge, too much expectation, too much stress, too much worry etc etc. I recently heard of two-brain hemorrhage one a young lady of 35. I head of diabetic in a 14 yr old, 29 yr old friend of mine is going through injections daily to improve his sugar level. Another one is shifting apartment with no idea where to go as job is lost due to recession, another one says I do not want to get married as I have no inclination towards it…. What is happening to people around me, of my generation.. Where are we heading in the name of PROGRESS? URBANIZATION. Have we gone too far in life and nothing interests us any further? Have we stretched ourselves unknowingly to the extend we have reached the rupture point and still not realizing the fact but moving ahead with same momentum…I guess we have over realized things and not ready to accept there can be a simpler life.

One of the bank add says with the context – think back in life what u want to remember and takes through some pleasant scenes which is like good times with family and friends in real bright pictured scenes… aren’t those the moments we wanted to cherish. Would I feel comfortable thinking back all that people, “ IN” and around me are going through? I doubt! My granny is on the bed at the age of 93 with memory loss but still fighting her way out with every single thing. Would I survive that time (I prefer not more than 70, that’s a different view all together though J), would I be able to be healthy like her at half her age? Would I be content like her? What makes the difference between me and her.. I have too much to eat than her, I have too much knowledge than her, I have too many avenues than her and I have over used everything around me than her. The current generation is referred to the “I” here.

I remember going to a doctor 2 yrs back for a discomfort I was facing. She went through my blood tests and said, well tell me what have u understood through your own research on the net? Which was true, the moment I had the report in my hand I got on net, checked everything that it said, got freighted and was looking at her to say some good things.. I had already stressed myself with the info for the last 48 hrs.. She just said close ur eyes wash out all that u read and relax… u will be fine on ur own over a period of time..I could not blindly trust her, went to another, searched some more on net, met with a couple of people tried to see what they say.. lost almost 2 kg in this process, but at the end of the day I never got convinced that, what others were saying was 100% that I was facing, thus the + or – of theirs did not match to me.. At the end of it.. went by the word the doctor said.. and yes as she said things all sounds fine now…had I blindly trusted her wld I have not saved my health for those months.. wld that 2 months not been pleasant to me. Would not have my granny believed her blindly and not done any research and lived happily even those 2 months. This is the difference between the current and the older generation. They were IGNORANT.

Our Indian traditions, cultural upbringing have always molded us to not ask many questions and not argue and make us be ignorant of many things, if I really trace back.. Why is the happiness level better in deprived people, why do the rural world are able to smile on a day to day basis.. why is the so called office going urban crowd fail to even give a smile to the one in the lift? We over do things.. we go to judge in the two min of lift drive- is this person st, wld he be a good boss, wld he do something to me, wld she be this / that… or other way around start thinking of something is wrong in OFFICE, how I fix that, what to do to the insurance,. Have I paid the tax.. we are failing to live the present. Was I ignorant of the future would not my tension be less.

How many of the persons who are exploring relationships content with one another? Everyone wants to start with blind trust, everyone wants to sacrifice for the other, but is not an expectation built with that, is there not a crack with that expectation just because it never gets fulfilled? Then I guess one starts with deep down thinking who is wrong and right and go through a down trend that is not needed. If expectations are not met does not one go to explore to on net what is that goes wrong, meet physchiatrist, not speak to family on it, explore if low libido is reason, am I attractive, what do I do to attract, read books on making relationship, checking rashi (sun signs) on TV channels and morning news paper to see what the day holds, paying some unknown astrologer, crystal ball reader and see what can be improved? Doubt ones own orientation.. we screw up ourselves… One of my friend just cld not take this loneliness thinking was having issue with orientation started visiting clubs, over boozed, surfed all things on net, started speaking to people who were in this fantasy world and dissatisfied today at the end of it..cause the cultural upbringing holds back from moving forward and the “extra” knowledge makes u believe that it is something different that is wanted. But is not this extra information, taking you somewhere to a virtual world? Assume a girl or a guy from a small town in this scenario. Take the example for people from interior of Salem or Rajasthan or uphill Darjeeling – first the person would not have known that if physically ok there can be something different, second, wld not have avenues to see how the world is different. Though who are by birth wld never want to live with the normal crowd and move out.. Thus the person gets into a normal life and leads.. But the urban world wld tag it different, call it birth rt, force u to free ur self and enjoy the freedom and end up forcing a fantasy world.. Is it considered as a Fashion or Social status..like the hippy type that existed. In one of the call center a speech by council group had to be given because people started believing this is the world. India which has 50% population with 20-30 yrs stretch, is loosing something very important..Would not people been ignorant we have saved many from getting into this perpetual world that this young crowd believing themselves to be..

We need our people, we need our health, we need our relationships, we need the ecological balance, we need to be just what we have been brought into this life for by the universe. Live a simple life, be ignorant of the fantacies around you, live a normal life like our older generation for sometime in life- So what does one have to do, I guess in just normal words, one has to start thinking I am here for the very normal purpose I have been brought into the world than think too much of too many things.. Enjoy what you want to be. Be the change you dream to me for sometime atleast and experience the difference that it brings to your own life... for sure it would I believe..

Once upon a time I definetly said Knowledge is power, but too much of coffee beans is bitter as well, for the today world I wld only say - IGNORANCE IS BLISS in the urban world!

The Lonely child - For we are now men with mush, ready to race

The cloud was clear and sky sparkled always with a silver lining. There was no need for a friend or a foe for me. The world was beautiful with just u and me, the dowdy 4-wheeled cycle that kept me going all day. Each gave a perfect balance, for they were there always with me.

There came the friends with all new colors who added new shades and dimensions into me. It was fun to move around and enjoy in the natures arm. The road was painted in all new shades. It was merrier to see the rich colors thrown on self. I had left the dear one in the garage and went out on the road to enjoy that beautiful new life with showers falling all over us. It was all new a world with just bright colors all day.
Time moved on and so did they, roads diverted and the tinkles of the bell were no more there. I traced back my steps to see my cycle for I knew he would always be there. For, only I owned him and no one else there.
There came back a friend from the crowd, he again got fresh new things to play. The game was new and so were his looks for we were big boys now and no more liked the old cycle race. We fought, we cried, we fell, we hurt, we laughed, we smiled for all that we had missed the few days then. The wheels wore and lost the balance. We helped each other to finish to the end of the race.
There came the dawn to say its time to get back home. I wish the day prolonged with no end to it. He dropped me home safe and bit a good bye. Already too late I never saw how he drove back in the same pain. How stupid was I to forget he too had no proper wheels?. Lost in my own world, forgot his pain.

Waited for days for I wanted to race again, for I knew he was the only person who would balance by worn wheels. Friends and foe seemed wanted again not just my cycle in the garage bay. Walked to his door and knocked to say. “Join me in the race for I want to race”. I did not wait for him to say any, pulled him for an arm fight for we were now boys with a mush in the present new day.

The steps seemed to move with no end there, always thought he was right beside me walking the way to pull my cycle out to the race. He had no clue as to where we were going and so was I in the all-new race. All that I knew was, to join the arm fight down the street, for we were now men who shaved. I walked a long way and suddenly saw that my friend was left far behind the road. Is he reluctant to join the fight? Does he doubt his own arms for the fight? Are his legs hurting much in pain? Does he feel he is not the opponent for me to play. I never asked him, what he wanted to say. All I knew was it was time for the arm fight and wanted an opponent to play.

The cycle was old and so were the balance of the wheels. I did not want to be the lonely child on the street not to play. For I know, I would freeze if I stood silent any longer on the cold silent path ahead of me. I knew we would not be the toppers in the street fight out there though I had dreamt the same. In silence, all that he said was only one, u need an opponent stronger than me. Yes I needed a stronger arm that would take me to the race but deep down my soul says, we would somewhere be there for he was the one who drove me back home safe the other day. Who could I say my grief for the day, for he was the only one whom I shared my secrets all day. I have no friend or foe to be the opponent in the game to be played; he was the one who taught me to race.
As a Lonely child standing on the crossroad I sit and gaze, is it a new friend who would join me to the fight or wait in patience to see my good old friend quantum leap the crossroad there. All that I knew was the fight to be played, for we were now boys with mush ready to race.
I no more want to be the only lonely child who could not make it to the BIG street fight down the street, just because my opponents weren’t there for me to play.

The puzzle- the maze- the insight- the fear-the unanswered thoughts

I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me,
To make me less afraid, more accessible,
To loosen myself until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise
That I see of self or what the surrounding wanted.
I choose to risk my significance: to live so that
Which comes to me as seed goes to the next as fruit and
not just the blossom, in all season.
I wish the nature walks on my way to nurture this in the same speed and not sit back to say,” This is summer and not the spring”.
It’s known after summer comes autumn and then the spring
But would she walk that extra mile ahead of me to help me bear the fruit -My Dream.
UNSAID, UNASKED, UNSPOKEN!

Should I, Shouldn't I

Should I Shouldn’t I –
This photo of mine was posted with the subject line by one of my friend in her album… How true, how many times we come across such an occasion.. Should I, Should n’t I, Can I – would I, Yes – no, yes it is me – no not me at all, I would – I can’t – explosions always as we move thru the different stages of personality.
Remember reading transactional analysis.. Games people play.. clashes of the different personalities within us.. The child vs the Parent, sensible decisions done when one is in the adult stage… but is it possible to be in the adult mood always.. Should not one enjoy the child in one, should not one understand the care and love and responsibility one should share with the other – do we look down at others under the parental mode, for the good or bad of it. There is a constant tussle, turmoil that keeps happening within us. But how strong can one stay by ones decision.. Is it when ur not letting ur self to be induced with the thoughts in the surrounding, is it when we let it, is it when u do not have a soft corner to the person or situation ur in that calls for the solution or is it when u step aside the situation, keeping aside ur emotions and looking at it as a third person…..

Guess it is the last, do u call this the adult decision or a person who is emotionless or someone who is trying to run from the situation or a sensible move for the comfort of everything around or a subjective result…guess the outcome is subjective because of the fact that everyone do not look at the world through a single window but through various windows called their own perception…Does it depend in the state of the mind of the person (people) in the receiving environment… Lucky are those who have people with the same state of the three phases of the human on the other end or the one who influences the other to the state needed or when the two environments think by mind and heart with no compromises of the values and principles towards a common goal or output. Is this the adult – adult mood compatibility of the two environments or is it not….Damm who has the solution…………..
Should I end this now, should I continue----- ha ha the struggle continues….